Lessons in Motherhood

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Megan here. My oldest baby turns five tomorrow.

Five.

I am stunned and perplexed as to how this happened so quickly. Everyone told me it would, and I literally spent days staring at my child when she was a newborn, begging her not to change and grow quite so fast. I cried every time I put away each size of clothing. I took about a billion pictures (and a lot of videos), and I even made Shutterfly books every four months during her infancy. That's THREE BOOKS BY THE TIME SHE TURNED ONE. Ridiculous. In case you can't tell by now, I'm a sentimental sap who adores babies...especially my own babies.

Despite all of my attempts to savor her babyness...she still grew up too fast. Some days I feel like I missed it all and can hardly remember the details of her as a sassy threenager or what she smelled like as a sweet nursling. I love who she is today and the young girl she is becoming, and yet I can't help but wish I could rewind the clock and hold her for the first time again and again.

I bet you can relate, too.

You see, parenthood is transformative. Not only do we watch a little newborn evolve into a walking, talking person with an independent soul, but we also are transformed into new people along with them. When I think of the past five years, I can't help but reminisce on how much having a child has changed me and altered the course of my life permanently. 

When I was thirty-seven weeks pregnant with my first baby I was laid off from a job I thought I'd have for a long time. I then got in a car accident on my due date and almost had an emergency C-section because of it, but my sweet girl stayed in for another eight days before making her debut. A sudden job loss and potentially dangerous accident seemed big and overwhelming then, but what really changed was my life after giving birth.

I call my daughters my angels because they saved me in many ways. They made me more kind, more patient, more focused. Feeding Littles wouldn't exist if I never became a mom. I wouldn't know so many wonderful humans - including Judy - if I never began this journey almost 5 years ago. As much as I hope to influence my children, I will always tell them how much they have changed my life for the better.

In celebration of the big "five," Judy and I wanted to share some of the lessons motherhood has taught us. You see, the reason I love Judy so much is that not only is she a brilliant practitioner, she is also a wise mama. Her children are in their twenties (and are amazing humans themselves), so she shares a perspective about life on the other side of childhood. Of course, she's very close with her kids and is still actively involved in their lives, but she has had the benefit of seeing them through middle school, teenage years, and the ups and downs of college life. Perspective is helpful when you're in the thick of parenting young children, and that's why I love that she will share some of her wisdom about motherhood now that she has been doing it for a while.

If you're reading this and you're struggling to get pregnant or create the family you hope to have, please know that you are not alone and that we know this is a sensitive, lonely topic for many. We share these lessons about motherhood for everyone, not just for people who describe themselves as moms, and we pray that you find peace and resolution on your journey.

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Judy's Lessons

Judy's kids (a boy and girl) are two years apart and are now in their early twenties. Judy also works with about 30 families a week in their homes doing feeding therapy, so she gets to know many new parents each month. 
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1. Be a present parent...when you can. Engage and enjoy a piece of each day. Model today what you would like to see when your child is a teenager (or even middle schooler). Cell phones and mobile devices were not what they are today when our kids were younger. I cannot imagine the challenges parents are facing today with constant distractions. Remember, your kids are learning and will imitate what they see us doing. You still have to live your life. You still have to get stuff done. Your kids can't be on your mind 100% of the time...but try to connect with them each day.
2. The best conversations you will have with your child are when you are driving...even when they are doing the driving! I always felt that once the kids were able to talk in simple phrases the car was a wonderful place for us to connect. Even to this day, a road trip or just a trip to the hiking trail inspires stimulating conversations with our kids. Bottom line… look for the unexpected time to connect.
3. Trust your gut over anyone else when it comes to your child. You know your child best. Trust that inner voice over any advice or recommendations that don't sit well with you.
4. Have a plan B when the nest is empty! This is all about you! Some of the best advice I ever got was to prepare early for when your children leave home.
5. Keep friends (including parents nights out and trips with friends) sacred. I grew up in Chicago, attended school in Tacoma, and lived in various places across the US. I have collected friends along the way and hold their relationships as absolutely sacred. Plan get togethers and reunions - even if it starts with play dates of kids and moms - so that you can spend time with the friends you hold dear. Once while on the shores of Lake Michigan, soaking the sunshine rays with kids and my bestie Kathy, we spoke of a trip to Paris with the girls. Well, it took over 12 years before the dream came true, but it was fabulous!
6. You and your partner (if applicable) may not always agree on parenting, but do your best to not disagree with them in front of your children. Your children will pick up on this difference of opinion quickly.  Parenting  is tough as it is, but when you and your partner don’t exactly agree, it adds stress and conflict to the whole family. Read a book or two on parenting together, take classes, and spend time understanding what your child is experiencing so you can decide what kind of parents you want to be.
7. Find ways to connect with your partner (if applicable). It is so easy to lose yourself in parenting...and sometimes you lose your relationship too. Plan date nights for after the kids go to bed, like a romantic night alone with your favorite foot rub, wine, or whatever gets you and your spouse to re-connect without the kids. We are celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary this year… can you say Bora Bora????

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Megan's Lessons

My girls are 2.5 years apart and already have very unique, strong personalities. I grew up with a sister and am excited to see how their relationship develops and changes as they get older. I am lucky to get to work with many new parents and want to share some lessons that came hard for me, especially about new motherhood.  (Judy and I have some similar themes in our words of wisdom!)

1. You know your child better than anyone else. With all of the information available to new parents, many new parents feel like the world is judging them. There are so many decisions to make, and sometimes it feels like we are getting it all wrong. I remember feeling insanely insecure about everything I did, even though I am still glad I made the decisions I made about feeding, diapering, sleep, and what kind of mom I wanted to be. I don't know where that insecurity came from, but I felt like everyone around me was questioning my choices (they weren't). Remember this; you are the expert in your own child. You are her greatest advocate, and you know what's best for her. You will make the best choice in the moment, and if you change your mind, that's great too. 
2. It's OK to ask for help. You don't have to take on everything about parenthood by yourself. Issues breastfeeding? Consult an IBCLC - it will be the best money you can buy. (You might also have access to one for free with your insurance or WIC.) Feeling not yourself after baby? Talk to someone who can help you understand your new life and emotions. Sometimes talk therapy or medication can literally transform your experience with parenthood. Need a friend to make you a meal or just come over and hold your baby so you can...not hold the baby? Ask someone! Many other people want to help but sometimes don't know how. Get comfortable asking for help.
3. Your relationship with your partner will change. The biggest issue I see new parents deal with is in their relationship. Having a baby changes everything about person's life, but for many partners their day-to-day is not considerably altered, especially if they go right back to work and spend a lot of hours at the office. It can be compounded by breastfeeding, as oftentimes mom is the only one who can feed the baby and feels the weight of that responsibility. The discrepancy between partners can be alienating for new parents since they feel like their world was turned upside down but their partner's seemingly hasn't changed. Talk about this. Talk about your frustrations, anxieties, and what your day looks like. Acknowledge that the adjustment is hard and that you want to tackle it together, even if you don't have the solutions just yet. Give your partner a chance to express their feelings about your new life, and take them up on an offer to take care of the baby while you go shopping alone or grab a drink with friends. You'll find your new groove as a couple. Try to find it together.
4. You may lose yourself in parenthood, but you will find a new you along the way. I remember going out on a date when my first was 3 weeks old. I literally could think about nothing but my baby. My brain was hard-wired to have my thoughts always on her, as if my postpartum hormones forced me to place her above everything else. As you can imagine, this temporarily affected my marriage, my friendships, and how I viewed the world in general. Eventually I came out of my "mommy" haze and found myself again...although my new "me" was completely different than before. A baby changes you, but change isn't always a bad thing. I love my life compared to before I had kids, but it took me a while to adjust to it. Do what you need to do to find happiness in the balance of the many hats you wear, not just the "parent" hat.
5. Everyone has parent guilt. Everyone. I work from home and am a stay-at-home mom, all in one. I seem to have the "best scenario" work-wise, but I always feel guilty about something. Guess what? EVERY MOM FEELS GUILTY. We all do, no matter our situation. I've decided that as long as my kids are cherished, happy and safe, I'm doing exactly what I should be doing.
6. Take more pictures, take more videos, but also put your phone down and really connect with your kids for at least a few minutes each day.​ Notice them. Secretly watch them sing and dance in the car using your rear view mirror. Pay attention to them when they're trying to show you something. Get in the sand at the park every so often, down on the floor at the library. Be silly. Embarrass yourself. Your kids will only tolerate silliness for so long. You will never regret the fun memories you make with them. And...if you don't have the capacity to do it today, that's OK too. You can try again tomorrow.

We wish you joy in the craziness of parenthood. Thank you for letting us share our thoughts. Don't forget to connect with us on Instagram or Facebook!